Sometimes, working with new clients can be enlightening in unexpected ways. There are times when I focus solely on nailing down a strategy and times when I focus on the power of messaging. The beginning of any project can feel like a team-building exercise when I’m working with a new client or partner.

We usually focus on evolving an old idea or mindset. When the stars align and strategy collides with tight messaging, they begin to evolve. The process transforms their projects, and once they know how they would like to speak to the world, everything they create becomes a force.

The purpose of the exercise is to uncover the truth.

Tweaking projects is where the fun begins. If you’re like me, you probably still get stuck working on visual changes or focus on analytics reports for too long. It takes time away from creating new things.

Free yourself and do it often. Morph and refine your ideas with time.

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Washington and Beijing are increasingly at odds over trade, especially concerning rare minerals and tariffs. China dominates the global supply of rare Earth minerals, holding over 90% of the known supply.

This collection aims to help you bring your ideas into focus. Let’s get into it:

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I mean I was banging my head on my pillow as my workload reached (what feels like) an all-time-high right around the time when several of my devices stopped working and an upcoming move that will likely only afford me 40-ish hours to get it all done.

At this point, I’m not even sure if I can get my desk out of my bedroom without dissembling it.

Grrr! With parts of my world falling apart, I’m enjoying the little high I’m getting today as a smash thought my done list. My Chromebook cost me over $600 in 2021. I’m not trying to purchase a new high-end device anytime soon and I also stubbornly don’t want to downgrade to a plastic Chromebook at a discount.

Plus it’s Friday and there’s sex on the menu after sunset. Story time when I’m free again… 🤤😉

The Ground Work & Time

Like gardening, growing your network takes time. When I think about growth and building an audience, I always think about my favorite pop stars. Some pop stars explode onto the scene with a debut song or album, while others take years or decades before the masses discover their music.

I hate networking, and I’m not here to sell you the idea. But if you’re reading this, I’m almost certain you received or discovered my latest release thanks to a network. Maybe Google’s or Substack’s network.

Two years ago, I pulled up to a friend’s house in a U-Haul with just a few belongings. Months of stress had worn me out, and I had nowhere to go. I was grateful he allowed me to stay with him until I found a new apartment. A day or two after settling in, I checked my work email and found an invitation. It was an invitation to talk about American imperialism at a university—a paid gig.

That email found me at my lowest point.

I couldn’t imagine being on a panel talking to anyone at the time. I felt defeated, depressed, and angry.

Part of me was also annoyed. I was annoyed that the email came 6 years after I launched the most important grassroots project of my career. It felt like the opportunity arrived at the worst possible time.

Burnt out and unmotivated, I replied and agreed to participate anyway.

Bandwidth & Motivation

In my last salaried job, my energy was split between my role in that job and managing my projects. When I told my mom I was so busy I had to pay to do my laundry, she told me it was a waste of money because I could do it myself.

I told her that while my clothes were being washed at the laundromat, it gave me time to shop for groceries or get a haircut—stuff I couldn’t do while stuck at my desk or while catching up on necessary zzzs.

Completing chores helped me keep up with my projects—even if I needed assistance. I need my living space and workspace to be organized so that I can do my best work.

That might not be your way of working and that’s totally fine. It works for me, so I prioritize it to increase my productivity and keep my mood high. I need a clean

Fruits, Labor, & Your Future Self

Back to gardening—it takes time to grow something special. A part of that journey includes offering yourself grace and giving yourself adequate time to grow.

It feels like every few months, my workload grows and go back to the drawing board to reorganize my projects. Reorganizing often helps me make room for greater things.

A few of my plants are dying, while others appear to be thriving. It’s cold as fuck, and some plants have been neglected so I can focus on house chores.

These days, I’m doing okay. I’m a little blue, not because of the seasons. It’s probably because I need other ways to vent—emotions that need expression and a medium to set them free. Like a pop star without a radio hit, these songs I wrote over the years lay dormant, waiting for a master.

So, I keep writing and flowing with the sine. In many ways, I’ve never felt more free. Trapped in my head, sometimes, yes. But free in spirit.

There’s a line in Lana Del Rey’s song Norman fucking Rockwell, “I don’t get bored, I just see it through.” With some projects and through different career detours, there have been times when I get bored.

To be honest, it gets very boring fighting evil people. The winner of the 2024 Presidential Election and his rich friends have reclaimed the most powerful office on Earth.

The boring part about 21st-century politics is how much resources we continually divert to stabilize manmade crises. The same energy could be spent expanding resources for deeper humanitarian work.

What’s your purpose? Why do you exist? And why does any of that matter? If you’re looking for answers in this life, I hope you find what’s looking for you.

I’ve learned my purpose over time, and I’m excited to help other writers discover a path forward with their unique style of writing.

When I moved into one of my favorite apartments five years ago, it took a while to get settled—truthfully, it felt like forever.

Every room felt too cold. And every new layer I added made working indoors feel miserable. There was no central air, and I lived in the tropics.

I’m in a different apartment now, living further up north, and my room is the coldest room. To stay focused, I’ve made my room comfortable enough to keep me at my desk. Sometimes, I game at my work desk to slowly rewire my brain.

It’s helped so far. I’ve stopped running when it’s time to sit down and finish important projects. I’ve also added art to my desk, new plants to my room, and changed my sheets to match my mood.

All of these changes and tweaks are very personal to me, but they’ve helped me find my rhythm even as it evolves over time.

Focus on what’s important to you. Refocus as necessary.

When I decided to launch Nightshade Diaries earlier this year, I found myself wrestling with my shifty ego. Ego, to me, feels like a layer of my unconscious mind that presents itself boldly to the outside world while hiding its face from me.

It’s hard to confront sometimes.

Once I settled on the name and got the website ready for publishing, the same thoughts (and questions) kept bubbling to the surface.

• Nightshade Diaries will be the third publication I’ve launched in the past 7 years and the second publication I’ve launched in 2024.

• Wow, my workload is about to increase by an order of magnitude.

• I really should sleep more.

• I’m neurotic as fuck.

• This will be my first time writing under a pseudonym, and I need to be careful about accidentally revealing my identity.

• What if people only support my work because I’m from a small town? Would my work be able to stand with a new audience?

• Maybe this pseudonym business feels scary because I’m scared my work won’t resonate with people as quickly without my real name.

• Umm, could I attract a new audience while recovering from years of burnout?

• Finally, the two publications I launched this year would have to stand on their own. I decided that none of the new websites would be shared on my personal social channels, like Facebook, Threads, or Instagram. They’re not even getting dedicated social media pages.

It’s slow growth, but I like how it feels. With each release, I get even closer to my readers. And I’m satisfied with the way readers interact with my newsletter.

In some ways, it felt like my ego managed to hijack my name and career without me noticing. Nightshade Diaries is a way to reclaim parts of my life that have stayed hidden from my core audience—the people who know my real name.

Sure, my therapist hears about my messy growth every few weeks, but I’d like to share my experiences in ways that help others grow.

For now, we’ll handshake anonymously.

Thank you for reading! And if you forgot, a world of lovely music is waiting to be discovered.

You have amazing projects to share with the world. Get out of your head.

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When Barack Obama won the presidency, I was beginning high school. I morphed into an entirely new young man between primary school and that moment. My mom probably noticed when I stopped bringing butterflies home and when I stopped asking her to buy me new nature magazines.

Politics & Pop Stars

I remember thinking those hobbies weren’t cool anymore because my friends had new interests. This new thing called the internet showed me the world in ways pre-programmed cable television couldn’t.

My transformation happened during the transition from elementary school to middle school. At some point, I shoved my childhood interests and adolescent urges into a closet and tried to learn about the new world I was entering.

Uncharted territory. 2008-2012 was the period when I broke out of my shell and began to understand the many ways injustice and apathy play together. As a side note, I’d just like to point out that President Barack Obama and Lady Gaga rose to fame around the same time. Gaga’s bold statements and political rallies likely added pressure surrounding the possible repeal of the U.S. Armed Forces’ Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.

I watched this unfold in high school (and eventually in a journalism class), and it inspired me to continue writing. I miss my friends from high school and college. And I miss my military family.

The Buried Scandal

When I was a junior Marine, one of my friends asked me a question with people from our unit nearby. “Xavier never has any drama or scandals on base. Why don’t we hear anything about you?”

I responded, “I don’t fuck anyone on base.” I added that I wasn’t dating any Marines in our unit. And while that was mostly true, it wasn’t the full story.

There was a night I stayed with two Marines at a beach house in North Carolina over a weekend. A man and a woman. It wasn’t the original plan, but they stopped by my hotel room, both drunk, and persuaded me to come with them to the club.

It was the weekend. They persuaded me to pack all of my bags to spend the night with them. I was probably a little tipsy, but they were chill friends, and they kept repeating, “We really want you to come with us.”

I shared the same living quarters with the man and more than two dozen other men. And the woman lived right across the hall from me. While grabbing my stuff, the guy kept winking at me.

We took a taxi to their room. The whole time, I kept thinking, “I should leave.” They said we were going to the club, but the address they gave to the driver would take us to a residential area. They were so drunk I decided to stick it out and—I guess chaperone to make sure they didn’t die.

After spending one night with the drunk horny couple (not really a couple), I left embarrassed, feeling ashamed, and morally bankrupt. The following morning, we all stopped speaking.

We weren’t friends anymore.

I went back to work and tried to keep things professional. After a few public tiffs and uncomfortable run-ins with the woman (who hated me), I pulled her aside somewhere quiet and asked to talk.

I told her we could hate each other and never speak again. Bringing the weekend was stupid; at least, that’s what I thought. I was in my early 20s and sort of mature but in the most chaotic and unstable way.

On those steps, hiding from our fellow Marines, I poured my heart out to her and apologized for what I put her through over the weekend. I apologized to her because I sucked his dick, and she woke up and saw me under the covers. I think his moans interrupted her sleep.

After I apologized, she asked me why I did it.

I told her, the night they asked me to come with them I couldn’t understand why they wanted to hang out.

I asked if she knew he kept winking at me before we left my hotel room. She said no. Being young isn’t an excuse for the decisions I made that weekend.

Acceptance, Even When the Truth is Ugly

Now I realize why I did it, and I don’t think I told her. Maybe I was okay being the villain.

1. We never went to the club, liars!

2. The three of us cuddled at a beach house with only one bed. (it gave threesome vibes)

3. They fucked in the bed with me laying right there as I tried to sleep in the dark room… wtf!?

4. I could’ve stayed in my hotel room and avoided the awkwardness but my boundaries sucked back then.

5. I could’ve stayed in my hotel room and gotten fucked!

I apologized because I was genuiently sorry.

But in the moment, I didn’t care about anyone’s feelings because they didn’t care about mine.

Accepting my role and acknowledging my dark side has helped me grow. Years after that ordeal, I realized I don’t even like sucking dicks and the likely-hood of something like that ever happening again fell to zero percent.

There are some places we never want to revisit. And then there are places and things we keep trying to visit even when we’ve changed for the better. The most draining friendships and connections were with people who wanted to use my mind and skills to breathe life into their projects without pay. The services I refused to offer for free or at a discount strained my relationships and resources.

Over the years (even today), I’ve worked on projects for friends and strangers pro bono because I offered. I sleep well at night with those decisions.

There are some people I never want to help again. With new boundaries and lovely people in my life, I’m looking forward to offering more of myself to my circle because I love them.

I’ve had a good run choosing the right friends from childhood to my mid-20s. In my 30s, I have friends, family members, and partners who value me and never waste energy verbally abusing me. I have good people in my life now, and it feels good. I’m grateful for them, and I'm grateful for this song and this weird thing called life.

Whoever said life gets sweeter with age left out the bitter tidbits. When I was younger, I was a hopeless romantic. Now, I think I’m a cautious romantic who’s okay with his evolving slutty side.

On Friday, I hooked up with a guy. If you’ve been following my tautologies, my online persona (in this anonymous form) explores my appetite as a bottom.

Expectations and Freedom

This newsletter, in many ways, is my escape from gender-based expectations. I do have my tastes, but writing about my sexual needs and desires in secret has been a freeing experience.

When I’m having sex, most of my days are spent pleasing bottoms and men who want to explore their bodies.

Discovery

So, about this guy. We’d been messaging on Grindr for months and exchanged nudes a few times. My memory isn’t perfect, but I know visual recall comes naturally to me.

Like clockwork, we’d exchange messages every few weeks, and he’d ask for dick pics — always forgetting our previous conversations.

The chat experience on Grindr is pretty bad. Messages don’t sync well across devices, and some people have a hard time remembering which profiles they’ve messaged already.

On Friday, the stars aligned. We both had free time and wanted sex. I dive deeper into the story in a piece titled pre-weekend ass.

So I invited him over. He texted “parked” less than 15 minutes later.

I walked him into my room and slapped his ass while walking down the hallway. I took my shirt off, hoping he’d take his pants off before I had to.

I walked him down the hallway to my room and slapped his ass. I took my shirt off, hoping he’d take his pants off before I had to.

His pants fell to his ankles as my shirt dropped on my mattress. Looking at him, bent over my pillow, his body was perfectly shaped and ready to be fucked.

Sex, Sweat, and Charming Decor

After all of that manly butt sex, we said goodbye, and I walked him to the door. Then we hugged and kept talking. I kind of wanted him to stay. And it looked like he wanted to stay, too.

I looked at the couch, gestured, and said, “Please, sit.” After fucking him as if I had known him for a lifetime, I was eager to see what kind of thoughts were bumping around in his head.

From the look on his face, I could tell he wanted to get into my head, too. He’d seen my room. Filled with pastel colors and gold. I’m not sure, but I think his mood lightened when he touched my bed. The rose gold bamboo sheets kissed his skin. I’m sure the colors and the decor, mixed with the dick pics I sent him, threw him off.

Between you and I, ego tells me that’s why he sat down. Like me, he was curious.

If my mattress was still on the floor and my room smelled like balls and dirty laundry, he’d probably still be turned on—but probably grossed out after he climaxed.

After I helped him cum, and asked him to sit with me, we talked about our sex, his bike, my work, and some of his adventures.

I’m not sure when he’ll be back, but he invited me to his home—most of all, I’m glad he came.

I spend my days learning about things that interest me. I don’t write nearly as much as I used to. The guilt I felt for being idle was crippling.

Motivation

Honestly, there’s just too much data out there waiting to be analyzed, and I need 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night to achieve peak performance.

Even with my early bedtime and granular changes to my routine, I’m rarely at peak performance. Sometimes, I go to bed too late and wake up too early, and there are times when I go to bed too early, only to wake up before sunrise.

Over the last decade, I’ve grown as a writer, and writing and editing have become easier. What’s hard at this stage of my journey is confronting a common enemy for most writers: perfectionism.

Stimulation and Gaming

Today was a productive Wednesday. I did most of my high-priority tasks and even took out the trash.

By 5 p.m., there was a knock on my bedroom door. I was still writing drafts and planning content for the next few weeks.

I was happy to hear the knock. And happy to pause what I was doing for something a little more interesting. My friend asked if I was busy. I responded, “Not really, just working.”

He said, “Okay, never mind. You said you’re working.” He usually asks for what he wants, but I wasn’t sure what he had in mind.

I wanted to cuddle. After reassuring him and letting him know I wasn’t busy, he asked if I wanted to play Pokemon with him. I said yes.

In that moment, I wanted several things all at once. I wanted sex. I wanted to smoke. I wanted attention. I wanted something else to think about that didn’t remind me about work.

But truly, I just wanted to leave my desk. I plan to start meditating again, and those quiet sessions will resume tonight.

This season of growth feels unlike any season I’ve ever experienced. It’s blurry yet, somehow, still in focus. I’m finding ways to give in to my primal needs as a man while growing, setting new financial goals, and hitting my career milestone that seemed impossible before.

I’m still gonna smoke. There’s a high likelihood I’m gonna beat my dick before my meditation, and I’ll get some attention another day.

Even if I have to go on an early morning walk to talk to a busy bird getting started with its morning to-do list.

I start new depression meds tonight. So here’s to a good night’s sleep and more motivation. If you haven’t already, do something relaxing tonight.

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Earlier this month, I had a long chat with a friend. I told him that my plants usually stopped thriving when I stopped caring for myself. Defensively, I said, “It’s not anything spiritual.”

When my plants stop growing or begin to die, it’s usually due to my routine, neglecting time-sensitive chores, or depression.

When I separated from the Marine Corps, I was happy to leave the barracks and let plants invade my apartments. Plants helped me keep track of my mood and (probably) helped me form healthier habits and routines.

Since then, I’ve moved and lost plant babies several times. I’m growing new house plants and prepping some for life in my bedroom.

After moving into my new apartment in February, I finished setting up the last piece of furniture and made $230 from trading options this morning.

I’m still learning about charting when trading options, but I know enough to make a profit. My strategy includes investing time and money into resources that help me learn new ways to grow my portfolio.

I trade options during the most chaotic times in my life, and I’m not sure what that says about me and my style of adventure.

When I thought about growth in the past, I imagined growth in three main areas: finances, career opportunities, and maturity.

Today, those three things are (sort of) important to me, but my perspective on elements of growth has changed. I’m working on healthier ways to manage periods of rapid growth and appreciate the idle seasons in life. Releasing guilt that isn’t mine has helped me appreciate new moments and new opportunities in my life.

There were moments in my 20s when I felt like I was growing too fast and wanted to puke. Back then, there were seasons of nothingness and no sales from clients, and I felt like a failure.

My philosophy regarding rest, goals, and capitalism has changed now that my 30s have kissed me on the forehead. Some days, I ignore chores and my writing goals to play video games. Some days, I trade while gaming, which I would not recommend.

Part of leaning into the healthier areas of my personal growth includes minimizing risk in my life—especially the stuff I can actively avoid.

Now in my 30s, with my projects and projects for clients to manage, I try to focus on taking care of myself. Taking care of myself might be what I need to navigate the chaotic moments in my career.

Some of that growth and self-care include surrounding myself with things and ideas that enrich my spirit and free my mind.

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I’m not sure where you are on your life journey, but I hope you’re somewhere beautiful. I’m recovering from years of burnout, and Nightshade Diaries was created to give me a new form of release and change my relationship with writing, editing, and publishing over time.

In my other projects, I write about complex topics, politics, power, and the dystopian societies humans create.

Rest is rebellion. Rest is freedom. Resting is a rhythm of nature.

Through my writing, I will talk about sex, shame, career moves, focus, and alternate ways to be a human. I’m an introverted man who thrives on connection, even if my days socializing are rare.

Feel free to send me a message, comment, or share what you do in the world.

Newsletters

How do you create art and impactful projects while competing with Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube for views? Simple: you use those platforms like the sluts they are.

Pleasure your audience, my friend.

The billionaires running the most powerful sites have other drugs to feed their void.

How do I stay focused in such a noisy world? Let’s get into it:

Guilt won’t make you a better student or enhance your art

I’m not sure where you are on your current journey, but take a deep breath, exhale, and release that guilt you’re holding onto.

You don’t need it.

Make your schedule unique to you

Creating a schedule for your goals helps you prioritize your growth. It also helps you organize your life and show up when needed. To be on top of your game, you need a matching attitude.

What time do you want to wake up?

What time do you need to wake up?

When would you like to rest?

When will you take a walk and get some sunlight or fresh air?

Your schedule doesn’t have to be super rigid or without spontaneity to work for you. If you work a lot of hours during the week, maybe going to bed early makes the next day of work feel like it starts too soon.

I get it.

If it’s Friday and your shift typically starts at 9 a.m. or 11 a.m., getting up a few hours early doesn’t have to be about productivity.

Before you head out for the day, you can watch your favorite series, focus on your hobbies, or play with your pets.

Your schedule will evolve over time. Try to focus on habits that energize you and habits that enhance your worldview.

Keep your daily to-do list short, trust me.

Eat on schedule and workout

For the birds who need a reminder to eat on time, photosynthesis is not an option.

Start somewhere.

Whether you choose a meal replacement, pea protein, or something nutritious, your brain will reward you with genius later.

Designate ONE day for analytics

How often are you checking your dashboards, bank accounts, and book/site analytics?

Be real about your answer.

If you’re not making a ton of sales or getting voluminous site traffic, close the dashboard.

Like a vampire experiencing the thrill of feeding for the first time, control your thirst for analytics check-ins. Pick a day of the week (or month) and mark it as an important day for reviewing analytics reports.

Your time spent checking unchanged dashboards is best spent resting or working on a groundbreaking project.

Focus.

Finally, create anything.

You’re brilliant; now kill it! Fin.