Growth II
On motivation, my need for stimulation, and gaming.
I spend my days learning about things that interest me. I don’t write nearly as much as I used to. The guilt I felt for being idle was crippling.
Motivation
Honestly, there’s just too much data out there waiting to be analyzed, and I need 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night to achieve peak performance.
Even with my early bedtime and granular changes to my routine, I’m rarely at peak performance. Sometimes, I go to bed too late and wake up too early, and there are times when I go to bed too early, only to wake up before sunrise.
Over the last decade, I’ve grown as a writer, and writing and editing have become easier. What’s hard at this stage of my journey is confronting a common enemy for most writers: perfectionism.
Stimulation and Gaming
Today was a productive Wednesday. I did most of my high-priority tasks and even took out the trash.
By 5 p.m., there was a knock on my bedroom door. I was still writing drafts and planning content for the next few weeks.
I was happy to hear the knock. And happy to pause what I was doing for something a little more interesting. My friend asked if I was busy. I responded, “Not really, just working.”
He said, “Okay, never mind. You said you’re working.” He usually asks for what he wants, but I wasn’t sure what he had in mind.
I wanted to cuddle. After reassuring him and letting him know I wasn’t busy, he asked if I wanted to play Pokemon with him. I said yes.
In that moment, I wanted several things all at once. I wanted sex. I wanted to smoke. I wanted attention. I wanted something else to think about that didn’t remind me about work.
But truly, I just wanted to leave my desk. I plan to start meditating again, and those quiet sessions will resume tonight.
What Does 'Gooning' Do To Your Brain?
This morning, I rolled over in bed and stared at the beams of light streaming into my room. I clawed through my sheets and pillows to find my phone.
This season of growth feels unlike any season I’ve ever experienced. It’s blurry yet, somehow, still in focus. I’m finding ways to give in to my primal needs as a man while growing, setting new financial goals, and hitting my career milestone that seemed impossible before.
I’m still gonna smoke. There’s a high likelihood I’m gonna beat my dick before my meditation, and I’ll get some attention another day.
Even if I have to go on an early morning walk to talk to a busy bird getting started with its morning to-do list.
I start new depression meds tonight. So here’s to a good night’s sleep and more motivation. If you haven’t already, do something relaxing tonight.